Song 10

There was a week between the mammo and ultra-sound and the biopsy and MRI. I spent that week believing that this was the real deal. I figured it was best to expect the worst and not be disappointed.

I've mentioned elsewhere that I spent that week helping with my church's Vacation Bible School. I signed up at the last minute only because I really like the director and she was very desperate. What a fun week it turned out to be! God showed up at that VBS, and every day, even though I was volunteering, it felt like the greatest blessing of all was for me.

For instance:

I was one of the leaders for the early childhood kids games. This was Gemma's group, so she was thrilled to see me in the middle of her morning. (Of course, she was also a little disappointed when I didn't pick her first for the games that needed picking. Back off, you little nepotist!)

On the last day, the game I led was follow-the-leader set to music. The only CD player we could get our hands on would play only the 10th song on the CD.

Song 10. Played 6 times for each group. Times 3 groups for each section. Times 2 sections. I heard that song 36 times on Friday morning.

If I were a very sanctified person, I would have thought, "I'm just so thankful we have CD's and CD players and electricity!" or maybe, "I'm so glad it was a song the kids liked so much!"

But I'm not very sanctified. So instead, I laughed it off on the outside and on the inside, I thought things like, "Oh come on. You're telling me there's no working CD player in this whole church?"

It's true. That's what my ugly, stinking, fleshy heart looks like.

By the time the games were over and my job was done, I didn't care or think much about it.

That Friday night, I was thinking and praying about the peculiar joy that had blanketed me throughout the whole week. It was unreasonable that I'd be "taking it so well." Was this really God's joy, or was it just denial?

But it couldn't be denial because during the VBS worship songs, I would just weep from the comfort I experienced. Picture over 600 kids doing the same dance moves to the lyrics:

I will not be afraid
Though trouble's out there
Night and Day
No, I will not be swamped with fear
For God is always, always, always God is always near

And then picture one of the leaders in the back crying, crying, crying through the whole thing.
So. I don't think I was in denial.

But what if--the doubting voice persisted--this joy doesn't last? How could it? Do you know how long your road ahead is, Amy? Do you know the decimation that awaits you? How could this joy that's been your strength this one week possibly last the whole year?

Then these thoughts stopped cold. Switched off to silence. And I heard in my head:

You are the everlasting God, the everlasting God!
You do not faint,
You won't grow weary
You're the defender of the weak
You comfort those in need
You lift me up on wings like eagles

These words are a few different verses of scripture pulled together. I believe them to be true. And I believe they were the direct answer to the doubts of that voice that had been silenced.

They are also the lyrics of a popular church song. A song so popular they made a kids version of it and put it onto the VBS CD for this year. This song, in fact, is Song #10, that I had heard 36 times that morning.