Not Even as Worthy as Hula-Hooping

When the Russian guy landed his quad in figure skating, but got only silver, he complained to his country's press that if the champion of a sport doesn't do a quad--e.g. doesn't advance the sport with a greater physical feat than ever before--then "we're just dancing."

And, uh, "dancing" isn't, you know, a real Olympic sport.

Cheers to you, Plushenko. You've put into a nutshell just why figure skating is a competitive sport, even though it's not a race and cannot be objectively measured, try though they may.

Figure skating is an athletic performance than can be demonstrably improved upon, so it can be a competitive sport. These aren't the only conditions that a sport must meet to be worthy of Olympics, but they are necessary.

So what's with ice dancing? Yes, it's an athletic performance. But notice how the announcers didn't say anything like, "This couple will attempt a triple-flip-throw-toe-loop-axle-angle for the first time in world competition history."

What would "advancement" in this sport look like?

Let's be honest: it's in the Olympics only because it's good for TV ratings. And I was among the masses to watch it. (But I blame Gemma's enthusiasm for this.)

So, about what I saw.

1. How cute that the Americans were neighborhood buddies who've skated together all their lives. Why didn't Jeff Doll and I ever pursue ice dancing together?

2. Three events? Are you kidding me?

3. The Russians and their "aboriginal" number. Oh, my. . . The event was to interpret a piece of ethnic music, and this couple chose a. . . "native" sounding song. They dressed in tan body stockings marked with white "native" paint, and covered their private parts with green leaves.

Then they skated with moves that, if translated into words, would read, roughly, "Ooga Booga!"

I was uncomfortable watching it. This is the generation I am part of in America. On a deep, deep level, I sense the insult and the mockery. Doesn't matter that I'm not "aboriginal." Doesn't matter that their intent was to entertain. My base reaction was singular. I was horrified.

The announcers on one hand steered way clear of saying what I've just said. But they're American. They have this cultural standard woven into them just as I do. What did they say? They struggled to say anything, and came up with, "This dance just wasn't that technically challenging."

Back in Russia, the public was like, "What? What's the problem?" And the skaters themselves were like, "So. . .what if we took a little of the body paint off? Would that help? Because we don't really see the problem here, but if there's something we can do to make you Westerners and Western judges a little less horrified, we'll do it. . ."

All of which is to say: Interesting that Russia doesn't have a line in their culture that they're not to cross, as we do here.

A friend remarked that this may because they don't have aboriginal people.

To which I remarked, "Well, not after the 20th century, anyway."

And maybe part of the puzzle here is that after a people has lived through the horrors that civilization has wrought (upon itself), a little jungle dance really is entertaining and those like me who are "horrified," should take a second look at their history.

As for the dance itself, and what I thought of it. Well. It was dancing on ice. And that shouldn't be an Olympic sport.